Speak From the “I” – No-Fail Secrets series 1 of 7

The first of the Seven No-Fail Secrets to Stop The Drama! is speak from the “I”.  This means to start your sentences with “I think…” “I feel…” “My experience was…”  It is easy to start telling someone what they did wrong by starting thoughts with the word “you”.  Doing so only gives the listener two choices: Accept your criticism or defend themselves.  Most of the time people chose to defend themselves and the conversation escalates into a confrontation.  Speaking from the “I” allows you to take ownership of your side of the conversation while minimizing the likelihood of a defensive response from the other person

You can download a written copy of all seven secrets at the bottom of the home page.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer put a comment here, use the contact pag,  email me directly [email protected] or send me a tweet @DocRobyn.

I hope that is helpful and I wish you the most from your potential!

 

Why Are Women be SO Catty?

 

Why are women so catty?  The answer is twofold.  One – it is evolutionary.  Back at the dawn of time is used to make sense for women to try to push each other out of the group.  Being able to ostracize someone meant more resources for you and your family.  Secondly – we aren’t teaching young women anything different.  College, high school, junior high and even grade school girls are allowed to engage in gossip, backstabbing, catty behavior and bickering rather than being taught how to use productive conflict, ask for what they want by using language powerfully, have tough conversations when they are small and resolve disagreements.  That is why I founded the Stop The Drama! Campaign, to provide women and the men who work with them the skills they need to Stop The Drama!

Restaurants Have Drama Too

Have you ever wondered about the glaring looks you see between servers or wondered what they are talking about so energetically right before they come to your table, smile and say “Is everything okay with your meal?”  Here is an inside look at some restaurant drama:

I work the restaurant floor of a fancy pizza/bar type place.  When I say “the floor” I mean as opposed to the bar.  The floor is about twice to three times the size of the bar and yet they seem to think they need two of the four water pitchers in the place.  I have no idea why a restaurant this size only has four water pitchers but it does.  And that is the crux of the problem.

Two nights ago I was working several tables of my own plus I was covering three more for someone who was on break.  I needed to fill water glasses but when I went to get a pitcher there weren’t any at the station.  I looked over at the bar station and both of theirs were sitting there.  I grabbed one and filled the water glasses on all of my tables.

Now sure, I know I probably should have put the pitcher back at the bar station, but I was in a hurry so I put it down at the floor station.  I figured I would fill it and bring it back when things slowed down.

I rushed over to the food window to pick up a waiting appetizer and dinner for two of my tables.  As I was balancing full plates on my tray one of the bar girls says to me, “Where is my water pitcher?”

I look at her is disbelief, “Your water pitcher?” I replied

“Yes, I saw you take it from the bar. You better bring it back and it had better be full when you do.”

I rolled my eyes. In the time it had taken her to complain she could have picked it up and filled it.  I walked away to serve my tables.

After dropping off the food I started prepping a newly empty table for the next guests.  As I am working the girl comes up behind me and says, “I need that water pitcher.”

To which I replied (and I admit it was snide), “It is sitting right there, feel free to get it.”

She put her hand down on the table I was cleaning and said, “It is not my job to chase down what I need. Fill it and bring it back to the bar station.”

I was so annoyed I wanted to fill it and throw it at her.  Clearly she didn’t have enough to do if she had time to chase me down about a stupid water pitcher.  I finished what I was doing, filled the pitcher and slammed it down on “her” station, spilling water all over, and walked away.

Your boyfriend’s dog is making me crazy!

We are less than a month into the school year and roommate drama is starting to heat up.  This story comes to us from California…

 

Tonight we are going to have to have a “roommate dinner” to discuss a few things.  Last spring when we decided to live together I thought it would be great.  We were all clean and quite, more interested in studying than partying.  But then over the summer one of my roommates got a boyfriend.

Generally, I don’t mind him.  I think he is a little bit awkward and I don’t have much to talk to him about.  But he’s not my boyfriend so, whatever.  That was fine until I came home one afternoon to find him sitting on the couch watching our TV and his dog bouncing around the house.  I wasn’t going to say anything except the same thing happened the next day, and the next and…

This isn’t just a quiet dog that lies at your feet. This is a hyperactive lab-mix. And he is nosey.  You know the type of dog that has his nose in everything.  I chew gum and his nose is in my face.  I wash my hands and he wants to lick the smell off of them (yuck!). I try to eat dinner and his nose is in my plate.  I made the mistake of lying down for a nap and not latching my door tightly.  You guessed it; I was awoken by the dog jumping in bed with me.  That was the last straw.

I needed to know why her boyfriend was living with us and why his dog had free run of the house. Turns out, his roommates had kicked him out because they had had enough of the dog within the first week of school.

I say the dog and the boyfriend have to go.  I did not sign up to room with an awkward guy and his nosey dog.

 

What do you think?  Is she right to be annoyed with her roommate’s boyfriend having moved in and brought his dog?  What can she do about it without creating a miserable living situation for the rest of the year?

Friends With My Roommate. Hateful to Me.

(As told to Doc Robyn)

My first semester in college I met a group of five people, two girls, their boyfriends and a third guy.  We’ll call him Keith.  I had two guy roommates and the eight of us (five guys and three girls) all started hanging out together.  Keith was the butt of a lot of jokes and I didn’t think his friends treated him very well.  When we hung out I would often ask him if he was okay because my feelings would have been hurt if my “friends” acted that way.

The trouble started when one of the girls in the group started telling me that Keith really liked me and that he wanted to date me.  It was like she was trying to convince me he was my type.  But the truth was, he was cool to hang out with in the group but I wasn’t interested in dating him. After several weeks of being shoved in his direction by this girl, I decided I needed to actually talk to him to make sure there was no misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Keith and I went out and I explained that I thought he was a nice guy but I didn’t want to date him.  Keith was totally cool with the whole thing and thanked me for taking the time to sort it out and talk to him directly.  It seemed the girl had been telling him stuff too. Now Keith and I were on the same page so it was all good, case closed.  But it wasn’t closed.  It had only just started.

The girl started telling everyone I had lead Keith on, broken his heart, and that I was an awful person.  She got my roommates involved and started making everyone pick sides.  They could chose her and the “nice” people, or terrible, mean, hurtful me.  It got so bad my friends didn’t want to be seen speaking to me.  She would say anyone who would talk to me was obviously a very poor judge of character.  She even came to my house to visit my roommates and complained that I was there!  She expected me to leave my own home because she was visiting!

I ended up having to move out and the people who chose my “side” moved with me.  People who chose her “side” stopped speaking to everyone sharing the house with me.  If I never see that girl again it will be too soon.  She was so wicked and spread so many lies about me.

But the really funny thing – Keith and I are still friends.  He never had a problem with me at all.  The whole thing was because of that girl.

Do you know anyone who acts like that?  Do you think she really is a mean person or could there be something about the story we don’t know?  Let us know in the comments!

Do you have a story you’d like to share with the Stop The Drama! campaign?  Send it to us at DocRobyn (at) StopTheDramaNow (dot) com.

An Underclassman Stunt

It was a brisk, fall evening near the end of soccer season. Megan was a high school senior and starting striker on the team. She was excited to play the full 90 minutes of her favorite sport. She had recently received the all clear from the team doctor after having been out for a year with a torn ACL. So it was even more important to her to make this night, Senior Night, memorable. She knew the game would be a tough one. The team they were playing was talented and strong. Adding to the excitement, the game was going to be played under the lights at the football stadium.

The season had had several ups and downs. It was the coach’s first season with them, and it seemed evident that he was out of his element trying to coach 25 high school girls. But tonight they were all focused on one thing – winning.

The whistle blew and the game started off as planned: all seniors were in the starting lineup. But fifteen short minutes into the game, with two major scoring opportunities missed, the coach decided to pull Megan and two other seniors, including the team captain out of the game. They were barely off the field before they started firing questions at the coach. “Why are we being taken out? We are seniors! Everyone left on the field is too inexperienced! The other team is going to score any minute!” The coach provided no explanation, but another teammate was happy to fill the information void.

She explained:

An overconfident and cocky underclassman, Shana, had believed she was the missing link to put her team in the lead. She had demanded that the coach put her in the game. After the two missed scores the coach gave into her demands.

The displaced seniors where furious! How dare an underclassman pull such a stunt? More importantly, why was the coach listening to her?

Megan and her fellow senior teammates decided to take matters into their own hands. They waited about five minutes to see if Shana could make a difference in the game. She wasn’t. Without speaking to the coach, Megan and the team captain walked over to the 50 yard line and waited to be substituted in. As the ref put them into the game the coach stood in disbelief at their audacity..

A short two minutes later, Megan scored a goal, off of an assist from the team captain. For them, this small victory was evidence that they were right and pumped their adrenaline. They teamed up twice more to score a goal each; leading their team to victory while Shana stomped up and down the sidelines complaining to anyone who would listen.

The hurt feelings and anger from that night lingered for the rest of the season. Megan and her fellow seniors graduated with the distrust and disrespect displayed that night unforgotten and unresolved.

Do you think the win justifies Megan’s action to go over the coach’s head during the game? What do you think would be the impact on the team for next season? Will the actions of three seniors carryover into girls believing they can sub in and out at will, without input from the coach?

Let us know what you think!